So Here's What I'm Thinking…

Getting back in the habit

16 May 2012 Leave a Comment

by gracehumilty in Uncategorized

So, today I will be going back to the gym for the first time in a while. It’s been about 3 months since I worked out but even longer since I’ve done Mauy Thai. I used to go to class 3-4 times a week. That was before I started school though. During the summer I get back into the gym, I get back into the habit of working out and feeling good and then once the semester starts, I have a hard time maintaining my workout. I am determined to fix that this time.
While getting all my gear together and ready for the gym today I realized that I am nervous about going back. I used to know everyone that was training and I felt very comfortable. Now, I don’t know who I will know other than the instructor. I got so nervous that I almost decided not to go.
Then I started thinking about people who find themselves far from the path they started on with God. I’m nervous about starting back up at the gym, but imagine what kid of nervousness they must feel. I remember being that person. Making decision after decision that lead me further and further away from my Jesus and looking around one day not recognizing myself or my life. I knew what I had to do but I got so scared at the thought of going back to church. I was pregnant so obviously people would know what kind of life I had been living. But more than being afraid of the judgement I would face, I was also afraid to approach Him. I knew He knew what I had been doing but admitting it out loud to Him and confessing my sin was a daunting thought. I knew He would forgive me but I was sure that there was not much he could do with me past that. I never thought He would be able to use me in any significant way. I never imagined that He would use my story to help reach people. I had no idea that the struggles I overcame only by the power of Jesus, could be an example for someone else. But He has used me and my story.
And that’s what I want to tell you. If you feel like you are too damaged, that you’ve been away from Him for too long, done too many things, I want you to know that you are wrong. He loves you with an everlasting love and nothing you do or will do can change that. Please don’t waste anymore time worried about your past. He wants to give you a new future. You are never so far away that you are beyond His loving embrace.

Almost there….

16 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment

by gracehumilty in Uncategorized

So, I’m now on the home stretch of school for Fall and for some reason this semester has kicked my butt. It seems like all of my teachers got together and planned out the test dates so that I had tests in literally all of classes in the same week. I have been a terrible procrastinator in the past, and I have to say that thanks to this semester, I have become a lot better about preparing in advance.
At our church leadership meetings my Pastor likes us to share some wins in our life and ministry. So, with all of the complaining that I have done over the past couple of months about how difficult it has been, I decided to find some wins for my Fall 2011 semester at APSU. I only have 3 but that’s better than none I suppose
Number 1: I got a lot better at prior planning, like I mentioned earlier.
Number 2: I got reacquainted with reading music and have learned to read a bass staff for piano.
Number 3: I am one semester close to my goal of nursing school!!!
That is the biggest win for me. I have had a hard time keeping my mind focused on the reason that I am doing all of this, and that is my dream of becoming a nurse. It’s hard to be maintain excitement about nursing school when you have to analyze Waltz of the Flowers for 25 minutes. I used to like that song, and now I hate it. They should change the name of Music Appreciation to Music Depreciation.
But anyway, thanks to my friends and family for being so supportive and encouraging. You guys are great and I love you all so much! And a special thank you to my husband Thomas. He has been more supportive than I could have ever hoped for. I have had times, especially this semester, where I started to doubt my ability and question the legitimacy of my desire to be going back to school. Through all of my tears and doubt and frustration, he was there, believing in me when I didn’t. He won’t let me give up and that means the world to me. Thank you Thomas. I love you.

Bikers Who Care

19 Aug 2011 1 Comment

by gracehumilty in Uncategorized

So, tonight I was in a room with 100+ big, burly bikers.  I have to admit, I was not super excited about this before I got there, or even while I was there.  A friend had arranged to speak to the Bikers Who Care at their meeting this week and I offered to go with her so she wasn’t by herself.  No biggie, I thought…….silly me

Then earlier this afternoon I get a text from my friend saying that she has a really bad migraine and doesn’t think she can make it.  She asks if I can handle it by myself.  Hours out from the meeting, I was thinking, “Sure, no problem.  I can talk to 15 or so bikers.  I got this.”  So I tell her sure.  Then I pull into the parking lot and there is no room to park….ANYWHERE!!  I immediately started to get nervous.  This was obviously going to be more than the 15-20 bikers I had mentally prepared myself for.  I find a spot, park, take a deep breath, and head towards the building.  As I round the corner I can see inside the building and that’s when I notice that there are 100+ big, gruff, thick bikers……and I am the only human of the female persuasion.  Wow……not at all what I was expecting.

Inside I was shaking, but I knew that I had to appear to confident or they wouldn’t take me seriously.  So, I walked up to the first group of guys standing there and told them who I was and why I was there.  They really had no helpful information except that these meetings run on biker time, which is at least 15 minutes behind normal time.  They also informed me that this was a closed meeting so I would have to talk and then leave immediately….yay!!  Not a problem fellas, I had no problem getting out of there as soon as I was done.  The board members were in a meeting so we had to wait for them to finish before the larger meeting began so I stood outside while I waited.  A few minutes later, another biker came over and introduced himself to me and then asked if I would be willing to be in a bikini contest, for charity of course.  I was totally flattered and he was a great sport when I said “thanks but no”, with a smile of course.  He took me inside, showed me their clubhouse and told me to make myself at home.  As I stood inside the smokey clubhouse listening to all kinds of interesting conversations, I had several guys come up and introduce themselves to me.  They asked if I was ok because  I looked a little nervous.  I smiled and they were wonderful about assuring me that I was safe and it wasn’t like a regular bike club.  They promised me that nothing would happen to me their and they would keep me in one piece.  I know it may sound silly, but having them see my nervousness and make the effort to come and talk to me.

I eventually got my turn to speak and all the guys were so awesome.  I was warned beforehand that they may get rowdy or restless while I spoke but a guy named “booger” told me he would keep them in line while I spoke.  But, they were all so attentive and were honestly shocked at what I was telling them.  They promised some support and said they would make a donation and a guy came up to me separately and said he wanted to get in touch with me about doing some press to get us more exposure.  I walked away excited and a little ashamed that I had put all these labels on these guys before I met them.  I had judged them a little beforehand and found that I was totally wrong.  I know that BWC is all about rasing money for charities, especially ones that involve kids but  I still found that I had a negative opinion of them.  All of that changed tonight.  They were awesome, supportive, and warm.  It was an awesome experience that changed me for the better.  And on top of that I realized that if I can talk to room of over 100 tough bikers, I can talk to anybody lol!!!!

Thank you to Bikers Who Care for being so wonderful to me.  You guys do awesome things and I am proud to be a supporter of yours!!!

2 Minute Warning

07 Apr 2011 1 Comment

by gracehumilty in Uncategorized

2 1/2 weeks…..that’s all I have left of my second semester at Austin Peay.  That means I will no longer be a college freshman.  Wow!!!  I have almost completed a full year of college.  That’s a big deal for me.  You see, I have a bad habit of starting projects and then losing focus, which results in me not finishing many.  I am working on that though and I am getting better.  I have tried this college thing before, about 11 years ago, right out of high school……..EPIC FAIL.  I was completely unfocused and not motivated.  I ended up with only 1 credit because I stopped going to class.  This time has been very different.  I have been working really hard these 2 semesters.  I am in a different place in my life than I was then and I am taking school a lot more serious.  I sit up front, as questions, take lots of notes, and do any extra credit that I can.  I stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning to study and then get up after a few hours of sleep to study some more.  I have a goal this time and I am dead set on reaching it.  I really feel like God placed this desire to be a nurse in me and I am relying on Him to get me through this process.  There is no way I could do this on my own strength.  I am so excited to finish this semester and to be able to call myself a college sophomore!!

We have a stalker on the Labor & Delivery floor…….

03 Mar 2011 1 Comment

by gracehumilty in Uncategorized

So, I’m sitting here at Baptist Hospital waiting for someone to get out of surgery.  (And before anyone asks, everything is fine.  A family member is having an outpatient procedure.)  As I have been walking around to get coffee or just stretch my legs, I can’t help but get really excited.  I look around and see all these people in scrubs, taking blood, wheeling patients around and I get so excited thinking about when I get be one of those people.  I keep going by the 3rd floor, which at Baptist is Labor and Delivery.  I keep poking my head around corners to watch the nurses do their job.  I’m sure some of them think I may be a little creepy, but that’s ok.  I just can’t help it…..I can’t keep myself from being curious and trying to absorb everything I can about this environment.  As I walked away from the L&D floor, I almost started to tear up.  I can’t describe the intense desire I have to working as a L&D nurse….it’s almost overwhelming.  And I can’t wait until I am in a hospital everyday, helping women delivery healthy babies.  Sometimes I feel like such a dork for how excited I get when I get to see a baby born.  I just can’t help it……

Do I have What It Takes?

18 Feb 2011 2 Comments

by gracehumilty in Uncategorized

Do I have what it takes?  I ask myself that question a lot.  I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, women’s group leader, youth leader, worship team member and full-time student.  I know that sounds like a lot…..because it is!! While I know that God has called me to these things, I can’t help but feel like I’m not great at any of the things on that list.

When I sit down at the end of the day, after the kids are in bed and the headache that is putting Abbey to bed wears off, I begin to flash to images from throughout the day.  Images of Gavin’s smile, Abbey’s mischievous grin, the two of them playing hide-n-seek.  As I think about how awesome they are I wonder if they got the raw end of a deal landing me as their mom.  I get frustrated more easily than I should, I raise my voice more often than I should and I run out of patience more quickly than I should.  I want to be better because they deserve better.

When I sit down on Sunday afternoons for women’s group, and I look at the faces of those women, all who have a beauty and unique qualities and giftings, I wonder what it is I could possible offer them.  I feel underqualified to serve those precious women.  I want to be better because they deserve better.

Sunday morning is my favorite time of the week.  I get to make music and help create an environment to worship God.  I get to worship by not only singing but also by playing notes.  I absolutely love playing keys!  Although I feel I have learned a lot in the short time that I have been playing, there is so much more I want to learn.  I cannot wait until fall when I can start my piano class so  I can expand my abilities and grown my talent.  I want to be able to offer more to my church and my worship team.  I want to be better because they deserve better.

And when I come before my Heavenly Father with all of my brokeness, I feel so unworthy.  Unworthy of the grace and salvation He freely gave me at much cost to him.  Unworthy of all I have been blessed with and will continue to be blessed with.  He has seen the deepest darkest places in me yet He loves me the same.  I know I cannot do anything to make myself worthy of Him, that’s the whole point of grace.  But what I can do is to try living a life that is honoring to Him.  I want to be better because He deserves better.

While my intentions are good and my heart is in the right place, I will still fail at times.  And the more I rely on myself to make things happen, the more I will fail.  Do I have what it takes?  The answer is no…..not on my I own I don’t.  But when I rely completely on Him, He gives me what I need.  He wants me to be better…..and with Him I am.

Get Thee Behind Me Slushy!!!

11 Jan 2011 1 Comment

by gracehumilty in Uncategorized

So today is day 2 of a 21 day fast that our church is doing together.  We have all chosen to fast something, some have chosen to fast several things including television and Facebook.  I have fasted before but not in a while so I was very excited about doing this.  I have chosen to fast meat and sweets.  Anyone who knows me knows that I have a HUGE sweet tooth.  I will forgo dinner in order to have more desert   So, the decision to give up my favorite food group for 21 days was not a fun one to make but I knew right away that I needed to give it up.  It’s funny how before the fast officially started I already had an idea of what things I was going to have to pass up for the coming 3 weeks but as soon as Day 1 hit  I found myself asking Thomas if a Sonic Slushywas considered a sweet.  And it seems kind of funny at first but as the night went on I kept replaying that question in my head and I found myself very convicted over it.  God started speaking to me over a silly thing like a watermelon slushy. Earlier in the day I was doing my devotional for our women’s Bible study and one of the scriptures was about Jesus at the end of His 40 day fast.  The Devil came to Him and not only tempted Him but also antagonized Him.  And in the face of a physical hunger that I cannot fathom, Jesus stood His ground and passed that test.  As I meditated on that passage from Matthew 4 I started to feel very foolish…..no, I felt more than foolish, I felt embarrassed.  Not even 24 hours into a 21 day fast from sweets I was already trying to compromise in my decision and see how much I could get away with.  After that really sunk in I didn’t think about sweets for the rest of the night.  I also found it pretty easy to get through today without feeling like I was missing something.  I know that it won’t be this easy for the remainder of the time but I pray that God will continue to speak to me daily about dying to myself and pressing into Him more in order to experience a new level of intimacy with Him.  While the conviction was not comfortable I feel grateful and blessed to have been able to hear Him speaking to me so loudly and quickly.  This is going to be a very interesting 19 days.  Along with the fast, there is a group of women from our women’s group that is joining me in a Bible reading plan to read the entire Bible in 90 days.  I felt that in order for me to really get something solid from this period of time that will change my life I had to do more that just give up something.  I needed to put God in the space that I’m creating by giving up something else.  Now it may seem like a lot of reading, and on some days it will feel like a lot but I am determined to make it all the way through!! I invite you guys to join me in the reading plan also. I plan to blog through this whole experience which hopefully will also get me into the habit of blogging more often.  I have a lot to say….but I’m sure that most of you already knew that

Yes it’s true and yes it’s happening

28 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment

by gracehumilty in Uncategorized

Some of you guys asked about my speach last week so here is a copy of the Informative Speach I delivered in my public speaking class:

Child Sex For Sale.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  I said Child Sex For Sale.  According to UNICEF, an estimated 2.5 million children, the majority of them girls, are sexually exploited in the multibillion dollar commercial sex industry.  Children are lured, abducted, bought and sold for sexual purposes all across the world, including here in the United States. Most of the people I have spoken with about this are not sure what trafficking is and those who do know, don’t realize how startling the facts are concerning this industry so we will not only talk about what child trafficking is but we will also look at who the predators and victims are and talk about specific cases abroad and also right inside the U.S.

Stop Child Trafficking Now.com defines child trafficking as “the recruitment, smuggling, transporting, harboring, buying or selling of a child through force, threats, fraud, deception or coercion for the purposes of exploitation, prostitution, pornography, migrant work, sweat shops, domestic servitude, forced labor, bondage, peonage or involuntary servitude”.  While this definition is not limited to sexual abuse, that is what I’d like to focus on today. 

Unfortunately, there is a huge demand for children in the sex industry.  They have become sexual commodities and according to UNICEF, the global market value of child trafficking is over $12 billion a year and it is one of the fastest growing crimes in the world.  In an NBC Report by Teri Williams, investigators and researchers estimate the average predator in the U.S. can make more than $200,000 a year off one young girl.  If you multiply that by the estimated 200,000-300,000 American children a year that the Department of Justice says are at risk for trafficking into the sex industry that equals a horrifically large amount of money made off of the physical and emotional rape of children, some of which are as young as 5 years old. 

When we think of a sexual predator, we tend to assume that those types of people are easy to identify.  However, you may be surprised to learn that those who are participating in this industry, either by supplying the children or by raping them,  are made up of individuals who come from all walks of life.  A story on the website ExposeReport.com in May 2010, details the case of a pedophile postman in the United Kingdom who used Facebook to groom up to 1,000 children for sex.  After creating at least 8 fake profiles, Michael Williams targeted children he met on his postal routes, on school runs as a taxi driver and his role as secretary of a football club.  His targets ranged in age from 11 years to 16 years old.  Police have identified about 500 victims he groomed or abused but believe there could be up to 1000 children total with many too scared to come forward. 

On September 15^th of this year, just about a week ago, the United States Department of Justice published information about a case in Florida involving Jeffrey Robert Libman, the vice-president and co-director  of a Florida corporation.  Libman pleaded guilty to 16 counts of transporting child pornography.  According to the documents, he was the registered owner of a “child modeling” website that contained hyperlinks to 16 different sites each of which pertained to a different child.  Each site contained illegal images of child pornography.  Libman admitted , and  I quote, “that the websites depicting the 16 victims generated approximately $1million in revenue.  “. 

I have found that there is also an assumption made of the victims of this crime: That they are runaways and trouble makers.  However, that is not the case in most of these situations.  The victims of this industry come from the same varied backgrounds as the predators.  An article from Breibart.com depicts the story of a 7 year old girl in New Jersey who was sold by her 15 year old stepsister for sex.  The older sister not only received money, but also watched while as many as 7 men gang raped the young girl.  She was not a troubled child who had emotional or mental problems.  She was an innocent little girl who was sold by a family member. 

There is case after case of innocent young children who are betrayed by family members or friends or snatched up off the playgrounds or from a crowded mall or while waiting for the school bus.   The Child Abduction Prevention Program, which began in 2002 in Mancelona, Michigan was inspired after the abduction, rape and murder of five year old Samantha Runnion in California.  She was playing innocently with friends outside her home when a man drove up and took her, according to Joanie Moore, the website owner and founder of the organization.  And Abbie Alford reported for Fox23.com, about an anonymous survivor of the sex trafficking industry, who said many of the traffickers will pose as talent agents pretending to cast musicians, actors and models. 

These predators are going after children of all ages from all backgrounds.  They will stop at nothing to make a profit and it seems that the younger the child is, the more money they make. 

You can see from the facts, that child trafficking is a huge industry that is making huge profits.  The predators and traffickers cannot always be easily identified and they have no rules or moral code of conduct.  The victims come from everywhere but have one thing in common, they are sexually exploited against their will. 

Proud of me…..

28 Aug 2010 2 Comments

by gracehumilty in Uncategorized

Okay so today I had my Freshman Orientation at APSU.  And as most of you know, I was not very excited about it being a “requirement”.  I knew I would be older than %99.999 of the people their and that they would have ice breakers and “getting to know you” activities and “ra ra let’s go Peay” stuff.  I don’t want to sound mean or anything but I’m not going to school to make friends or even memories that will last a lifetime. 

I’m not super great at meeting new people( I know you all are SHOCKED by that statement…NOT!!).  It’s not that I don’t care about people, I just don’t have the gene that allows for me to wear that semi-fake happy to meet you smile that is kind of required when you want someone you don’t know to speak with you.  I come off as mean or angry most of the time and usually that’s not the case.  I just have a naturally stern expression, something that my daddy gave me lol.  Not to mention that I already have a group of pretty awesome friends and I have a lot more in common with them than with 18 year old girls who just graduated from High School and are more concerned with where their boyfriends and BFF’s are sitting.  So, making new gal pals is not what I would call a priority for me. 

And as far as memories, I have lots of those too.  I have some that I wish I could forget.  I wish I could completely erase those from my brain because I am ashamed of them and the circumstances surrounding them.  However, I do have some pretty amazing memories also.  Ones that make me cry and laugh and smile.  I have been blessed enough to have some moments that a lot of people will not ever get to experience.  Topping those would be hard to do.

So as I entered the Dunn Center I’ll admit that I did not have to best attitude.  And of course my section was up on the 2nd floor all the way in the back….yay me!!  As I sat there listening to the speeches given by student body presidents, fraternity reps and professors  I noticed a sudden shift in my heart.  The president of APSU was speaking and he told us to picture that Dunn Center in 4 years.  Picture the basketball court covered in chairs.  And in those chairs are hundreds of students in their caps and gowns.  And one of those students is you.  Now picture your family and friends sitting where we were sitting, cheering you on.  Picture your spouse and even for some of you your children watching as you walk across the stage and receive your degree from Austin Peay.

Now this may sound lame but I started to cry.  I thought about how proud of our kids we can be as parents and how kids desire for their parents to be proud of them.  But I hadn’t really thought about how much it would mean to me to have my Gavin and Abbey sitting their cheering me on as I get my degree.  How will I feel when I look at their smiling faces and see that they are proud of their mom.  I desire greatly that my children be proud of me.  Not proud of my huge mistakes but proud of how , through God’s help, I was able to define myself instead by how I dealt with the aftermath of those huge mistakes. 

I want my kids to see a real example of what God can do with a broken person’s life because that’s exactly what I was.  And in all honesty I still am.  The difference now is I have experienced redeeming grace.  I continue to experience with every mistake I make…..and their are a lot of them believe me.   

I never want to be an excuse for someone, especially not my children.  So, in 4 years, as I sit on a chair on the floor of the Dunn Center wearing my cap and gown, I can’t wait to look up at faces of my husband, parents, family and friends and see them smiling at me, cheering for me and proud of me.  But I’m more looking forward to hearing my children tell me that they are proud of their mom.