Then earlier this afternoon I get a text from my friend saying that she has a really bad migraine and doesn’t think she can make it.  She asks if I can handle it by myself.  Hours out from the meeting, I was thinking, “Sure, no problem.  I can talk to 15 or so bikers.  I got this.”  So I tell her sure.  Then I pull into the parking lot and there is no room to park….ANYWHERE!!  I immediately started to get nervous.  This was obviously going to be more than the 15-20 bikers I had mentally prepared myself for.  I find a spot, park, take a deep breath, and head towards the building.  As I round the corner I can see inside the building and that’s when I notice that there are 100+ big, gruff, thick bikers……and I am the only human of the female persuasion.  Wow……not at all what I was expecting.

Inside I was shaking, but I knew that I had to appear to confident or they wouldn’t take me seriously.  So, I walked up to the first group of guys standing there and told them who I was and why I was there.  They really had no helpful information except that these meetings run on biker time, which is at least 15 minutes behind normal time.  They also informed me that this was a closed meeting so I would have to talk and then leave immediately….yay!!  Not a problem fellas, I had no problem getting out of there as soon as I was done.  The board members were in a meeting so we had to wait for them to finish before the larger meeting began so I stood outside while I waited.  A few minutes later, another biker came over and introduced himself to me and then asked if I would be willing to be in a bikini contest, for charity of course.  I was totally flattered and he was a great sport when I said “thanks but no”, with a smile of course.  He took me inside, showed me their clubhouse and told me to make myself at home.  As I stood inside the smokey clubhouse listening to all kinds of interesting conversations, I had several guys come up and introduce themselves to me.  They asked if I was ok because  I looked a little nervous.  I smiled and they were wonderful about assuring me that I was safe and it wasn’t like a regular bike club.  They promised me that nothing would happen to me their and they would keep me in one piece.  I know it may sound silly, but having them see my nervousness and make the effort to come and talk to me.

I eventually got my turn to speak and all the guys were so awesome.  I was warned beforehand that they may get rowdy or restless while I spoke but a guy named “booger” told me he would keep them in line while I spoke.  But, they were all so attentive and were honestly shocked at what I was telling them.  They promised some support and said they would make a donation and a guy came up to me separately and said he wanted to get in touch with me about doing some press to get us more exposure.  I walked away excited and a little ashamed that I had put all these labels on these guys before I met them.  I had judged them a little beforehand and found that I was totally wrong.  I know that BWC is all about rasing money for charities, especially ones that involve kids but  I still found that I had a negative opinion of them.  All of that changed tonight.  They were awesome, supportive, and warm.  It was an awesome experience that changed me for the better.  And on top of that I realized that if I can talk to room of over 100 tough bikers, I can talk to anybody lol!!!!

Thank you to Bikers Who Care for being so wonderful to me.  You guys do awesome things and I am proud to be a supporter of yours!!!

When I sit down at the end of the day, after the kids are in bed and the headache that is putting Abbey to bed wears off, I begin to flash to images from throughout the day.  Images of Gavin’s smile, Abbey’s mischievous grin, the two of them playing hide-n-seek.  As I think about how awesome they are I wonder if they got the raw end of a deal landing me as their mom.  I get frustrated more easily than I should, I raise my voice more often than I should and I run out of patience more quickly than I should.  I want to be better because they deserve better.

When I sit down on Sunday afternoons for women’s group, and I look at the faces of those women, all who have a beauty and unique qualities and giftings, I wonder what it is I could possible offer them.  I feel underqualified to serve those precious women.  I want to be better because they deserve better.

Sunday morning is my favorite time of the week.  I get to make music and help create an environment to worship God.  I get to worship by not only singing but also by playing notes.  I absolutely love playing keys!  Although I feel I have learned a lot in the short time that I have been playing, there is so much more I want to learn.  I cannot wait until fall when I can start my piano class so  I can expand my abilities and grown my talent.  I want to be able to offer more to my church and my worship team.  I want to be better because they deserve better.

And when I come before my Heavenly Father with all of my brokeness, I feel so unworthy.  Unworthy of the grace and salvation He freely gave me at much cost to him.  Unworthy of all I have been blessed with and will continue to be blessed with.  He has seen the deepest darkest places in me yet He loves me the same.  I know I cannot do anything to make myself worthy of Him, that’s the whole point of grace.  But what I can do is to try living a life that is honoring to Him.  I want to be better because He deserves better.

While my intentions are good and my heart is in the right place, I will still fail at times.  And the more I rely on myself to make things happen, the more I will fail.  Do I have what it takes?  The answer is no…..not on my I own I don’t.  But when I rely completely on Him, He gives me what I need.  He wants me to be better…..and with Him I am.

Child Sex For Sale.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  I said Child Sex For Sale.  According to UNICEF, an estimated 2.5 million children, the majority of them girls, are sexually exploited in the multibillion dollar commercial sex industry.  Children are lured, abducted, bought and sold for sexual purposes all across the world, including here in the United States. Most of the people I have spoken with about this are not sure what trafficking is and those who do know, don’t realize how startling the facts are concerning this industry so we will not only talk about what child trafficking is but we will also look at who the predators and victims are and talk about specific cases abroad and also right inside the U.S.

Stop Child Trafficking Now.com defines child trafficking as “the recruitment, smuggling, transporting, harboring, buying or selling of a child through force, threats, fraud, deception or coercion for the purposes of exploitation, prostitution, pornography, migrant work, sweat shops, domestic servitude, forced labor, bondage, peonage or involuntary servitude”.  While this definition is not limited to sexual abuse, that is what I’d like to focus on today. 

Unfortunately, there is a huge demand for children in the sex industry.  They have become sexual commodities and according to UNICEF, the global market value of child trafficking is over $12 billion a year and it is one of the fastest growing crimes in the world.  In an NBC Report by Teri Williams, investigators and researchers estimate the average predator in the U.S. can make more than $200,000 a year off one young girl.  If you multiply that by the estimated 200,000-300,000 American children a year that the Department of Justice says are at risk for trafficking into the sex industry that equals a horrifically large amount of money made off of the physical and emotional rape of children, some of which are as young as 5 years old. 

When we think of a sexual predator, we tend to assume that those types of people are easy to identify.  However, you may be surprised to learn that those who are participating in this industry, either by supplying the children or by raping them,  are made up of individuals who come from all walks of life.  A story on the website ExposeReport.com in May 2010, details the case of a pedophile postman in the United Kingdom who used Facebook to groom up to 1,000 children for sex.  After creating at least 8 fake profiles, Michael Williams targeted children he met on his postal routes, on school runs as a taxi driver and his role as secretary of a football club.  His targets ranged in age from 11 years to 16 years old.  Police have identified about 500 victims he groomed or abused but believe there could be up to 1000 children total with many too scared to come forward. 

On September 15^th of this year, just about a week ago, the United States Department of Justice published information about a case in Florida involving Jeffrey Robert Libman, the vice-president and co-director  of a Florida corporation.  Libman pleaded guilty to 16 counts of transporting child pornography.  According to the documents, he was the registered owner of a “child modeling” website that contained hyperlinks to 16 different sites each of which pertained to a different child.  Each site contained illegal images of child pornography.  Libman admitted , and  I quote, “that the websites depicting the 16 victims generated approximately $1million in revenue.  “. 

I have found that there is also an assumption made of the victims of this crime: That they are runaways and trouble makers.  However, that is not the case in most of these situations.  The victims of this industry come from the same varied backgrounds as the predators.  An article from Breibart.com depicts the story of a 7 year old girl in New Jersey who was sold by her 15 year old stepsister for sex.  The older sister not only received money, but also watched while as many as 7 men gang raped the young girl.  She was not a troubled child who had emotional or mental problems.  She was an innocent little girl who was sold by a family member. 

There is case after case of innocent young children who are betrayed by family members or friends or snatched up off the playgrounds or from a crowded mall or while waiting for the school bus.   The Child Abduction Prevention Program, which began in 2002 in Mancelona, Michigan was inspired after the abduction, rape and murder of five year old Samantha Runnion in California.  She was playing innocently with friends outside her home when a man drove up and took her, according to Joanie Moore, the website owner and founder of the organization.  And Abbie Alford reported for Fox23.com, about an anonymous survivor of the sex trafficking industry, who said many of the traffickers will pose as talent agents pretending to cast musicians, actors and models. 

These predators are going after children of all ages from all backgrounds.  They will stop at nothing to make a profit and it seems that the younger the child is, the more money they make. 

You can see from the facts, that child trafficking is a huge industry that is making huge profits.  The predators and traffickers cannot always be easily identified and they have no rules or moral code of conduct.  The victims come from everywhere but have one thing in common, they are sexually exploited against their will. 

I’m not super great at meeting new people( I know you all are SHOCKED by that statement…NOT!!).  It’s not that I don’t care about people, I just don’t have the gene that allows for me to wear that semi-fake happy to meet you smile that is kind of required when you want someone you don’t know to speak with you.  I come off as mean or angry most of the time and usually that’s not the case.  I just have a naturally stern expression, something that my daddy gave me lol.  Not to mention that I already have a group of pretty awesome friends and I have a lot more in common with them than with 18 year old girls who just graduated from High School and are more concerned with where their boyfriends and BFF’s are sitting.  So, making new gal pals is not what I would call a priority for me. 

And as far as memories, I have lots of those too.  I have some that I wish I could forget.  I wish I could completely erase those from my brain because I am ashamed of them and the circumstances surrounding them.  However, I do have some pretty amazing memories also.  Ones that make me cry and laugh and smile.  I have been blessed enough to have some moments that a lot of people will not ever get to experience.  Topping those would be hard to do.

So as I entered the Dunn Center I’ll admit that I did not have to best attitude.  And of course my section was up on the 2nd floor all the way in the back….yay me!!  As I sat there listening to the speeches given by student body presidents, fraternity reps and professors  I noticed a sudden shift in my heart.  The president of APSU was speaking and he told us to picture that Dunn Center in 4 years.  Picture the basketball court covered in chairs.  And in those chairs are hundreds of students in their caps and gowns.  And one of those students is you.  Now picture your family and friends sitting where we were sitting, cheering you on.  Picture your spouse and even for some of you your children watching as you walk across the stage and receive your degree from Austin Peay.

Now this may sound lame but I started to cry.  I thought about how proud of our kids we can be as parents and how kids desire for their parents to be proud of them.  But I hadn’t really thought about how much it would mean to me to have my Gavin and Abbey sitting their cheering me on as I get my degree.  How will I feel when I look at their smiling faces and see that they are proud of their mom.  I desire greatly that my children be proud of me.  Not proud of my huge mistakes but proud of how , through God’s help, I was able to define myself instead by how I dealt with the aftermath of those huge mistakes. 

I want my kids to see a real example of what God can do with a broken person’s life because that’s exactly what I was.  And in all honesty I still am.  The difference now is I have experienced redeeming grace.  I continue to experience with every mistake I make…..and their are a lot of them believe me.   

I never want to be an excuse for someone, especially not my children.  So, in 4 years, as I sit on a chair on the floor of the Dunn Center wearing my cap and gown, I can’t wait to look up at faces of my husband, parents, family and friends and see them smiling at me, cheering for me and proud of me.  But I’m more looking forward to hearing my children tell me that they are proud of their mom.

     Many of you know that recently I had the opportunity to take a small vacation.  I get to spend almost a week down in Florida, my home state, without my kids or husband.  It was hard to say goodbye to them for 6 days but I enjoyed getting some time away to think, reflect and relax.  The one thing I was insistent upon was getting some time at the beach.  Anyone who really knows me knows how I feel about the ocean.  It is my version of heaven on Earth. 

     Something shifts in me when I step barefoot onto the sand and smell the saltwater of the ocean.  I love the sound of the seagulls and the crashing of the waves.  When I was a kid, my favorite thing to do at the beach was to play in the waves.  I’d love to stand there and try to jump over each wave as it came and my goal was to avoid being knocked down and taken under the water.  Sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I did not. 

      Being taken under is not particularly fun.  You get saltwater in your eyes and up your nose and that can be very uncomfortable.  However it was never painful enough to keep me from the water.   I always felt so proud of myself when I survived a wave without being knocked over.  I felt like I had conquered something.  Each success built my confidence and I felt like I could handle a bigger wave next time.

     On this trip I spent two days on the beach.  My first day I had every intention of just laying in the sand and soaking up the sun.  As I sat there watching the waves crash on the shore, I got the urge to run out into the water and play in the waves just like when I was a kid.  Then, I started thinking about the saltwater getting in my eyes and in my sinuses.  And the more I thought about that, the less I wanted to go out into the water.  Was the fun and excitement of playing in the waves worth the moments of discomfort that would surely come?

     As I sat there digging my toes into the sand,  I started thinking about how this related to our lives.  Everyday we have the same choice I faced that day…..the choice between sitting on the shore and watching the waves or taking a risk, getting out into the water and jumping in the waves.  Sure, it’s safer on the shore.  The view is lovely and there’s no chance of getting knocked over and having to fight the current to get to the surface for air.  But there is also no excitement.  No thrill.  No victory.  No chance to conquer, overcome and get stronger.  No chance to really put our lives in His hands and trust Him.  These are the places that grow our faith.

     Yes, running out into the water and taking the waves head on poses a risk.  You WILL get knocked down.  You WILL get taken under.  And you WILL experience some pain when those things happen.  God never said that a life serving Him would be an easy one.  But He did say the He would never leave us or forsake us. 

     A life in the waves will not always be an easy life.  You’ll need to be ready for the parts that will be hard and uncomfortable.  Each time you get knocked over, you’ll have to decide all over again if you’re going to stay and face the next wave or make your way back to safety on the shore.  But with each wave, no matter if you stayed above the surface or were taken below, you have the opportunity to learn something.  You learn your strengths and weaknesses.  Then, you turn to face the next wave knowing more this time than you did the last.  A life lived in the waves is an adventure. 

     So, my question is….what are you choosing??  Are you choosing to trust Him and run out into the water and play in the waves?  Or are you choosing to stay on the shore??

     That day on the beach, I decided to take the risk and run into the waves.  I got knocked down a lot that day.  But it was also one of the most fun days I’ve had in a long time.  There were a few times that I looked back at the shore and thought about how much easier it would be to just go sit down and watch.  But, it wouldn’t be nearly as fun……

     My prayer for each of us is this: that we would choose to live a life of trust in Him and choose a life lived in the waves.

     But when fellow parents are filling you in on the fun, not fun and in between, there is something they tend to leave out.  And maybe it’s because they don’t want to frighten anyone or maybe it’s because they themselves don’t like to talk about it.  For whatever reason, they don’t tell you about the part of being a parent that is downright scary.  They don’t tell you about the moments when your heart stops, your stomach jumps into your throat and everything around you is spinning and seems to be in slow motion.  If you’re a parent you know that feeling.  I experienced that recently with my daughter Abbey.  Actually on two separate occasions.  And I honestly felt like my world was crashing down around me. 

    There is a quote about being a parent: “Having children is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside of your body”.  While that is an amazing feeling, it also means that instead of having your heart somewhat safely contained inside yourself, it’s out there in the world.   It’s not just out there though, it’s running too fast, jumping off of things 5 feet in the air, it’s trying to learn how to ride a bike, it’s climbing a 12 foot tree.  And sometimes it makes me feel very vulnerable.

     This is not meant to scare or frighten anyone.  My hope is that it helps other parents feel like they aren’t alone.   After these moments with Abbey, once I knew she was ok, I felt horrible.  I felt like I had failed as a parent.  I felt alone.  It’s my job to protect her and in these two instances, I didn’t do that.   Logically I know that it’s impossible to prevent her from ever getting hurt.  She’s a kid and they are trying things and exploring.  Pain is a part of life and as she walks out her life journey,sometimes she will stumble,  fall and get hurt.  But knowing that it’s a natural part of life and knowing that a lot of time we learn from the things that bring pain, doesn’t make it hurt any less when you see your child hurting, in pain or scared.    Part of me would like to put my kids in a bubble.   Not only to prevent them from getting hurt physically but also to control their environment and keep them from getting hurt emotionally .  However, that would deprive them of so many wonderful life experiences that will help them learn.  Learn who they are, who they want to be and who they don’t want to be.  They have to be free to explore and to learn and to choose.  And then learn to deal with the consequences of certain choices.  I want my kids to choose lives of service.  Lives that help others.  Lives of love.  I want my kids to choose to be people of integrity and character.  In order for them to make that choice though they have to first be GIVEN a choice.  By giving them that choice, that also gives them the opportunity to choose things that will result in pain.  I have to find the proper way to handle the times that they are in pain.

    It’s exactly the way the God deals with us though.  He lets us explore, learn, test things, try things and choose.  And when we hurt, His heart hurts too.  We ARE His heart just like our kids are our hearts.  He desires us to CHOOSE Him but He doesn’t force us.  He lets us make the choice.  Sometimes we choose things that result in pain.  And as hard as it is for us to see our children in pain, how much more painful is it for Him to see us in pain?